So I’ve received a bunch of emails lately asking for more stories. Well things have been good with my girlfriend so I haven’t had to sleep on the couch! But to fill the demand I thought I’d tell an older story. It was a couple years ago and the first time I remember sleeping on the couch…

A mutual friend of ours was having a big birthday party. It was late in the night and everyone there was pretty drunk. My girlfriend was talking with one group of friends and I was with another. I have no idea what the topic of their conversation was but out of the blue I hear…

*SLAP*

Jack: “What the fuck!?!”

Someone random: “Dude your girlfriend just slapped Jack!”

‘Oh shit…’ I think to myself. I walk over to see what’s going on and see my girlfriend sporting a bright red face and steam spewing from her ears.

Girlfriend: “Jack called me a whore!”

Me: “Wait, what? Why? What’s going on here?”

Jack: “Dude, she said she’d sleep with a guy for a million dollars!”

Me: “Oh, well ya I think that qualifies you as a whore…”

*SLAP*

I immediately got five across the face from my girlfriend. Stunned and unsure about what just happened, I stood there and watched my girlfriend storm off. We lived a couple blocks away so I knew she was heading home. Before I left to make an attempt at mending the situation, I wanted to get other people’s side of story to figure out what really went down, and of course finish my beer. Now one should normally get mad at someone for calling their girlfriend a whore, but she really set herself up and for that I had to side with Jack. Not to mention the fact that I was pretty pissed off she would sleep with a guy for a million dollars.

I headed back home to find all the lights out. When I got to the bedroom I found my pillow sitting out at the base of the door. ‘What the fuck is this?’. I continued to the door but it was locked! I knocked and got no response; I continued knocking for 10 minutes and attempted an apology through the door but again I got no response. I finally gave up and passed out on the couch…

A fan of the site emailed this story in.

Oh the mall. What a great place to check out beautiful women… Unless you already have one.

So there I was, spending the day at the mall with my girlfriend. After a grueling four hours of shopping and sniffing perfumes she was finally hungry; so we headed to the food court to order some Chinese food. As my girlfriend was deciding upon orange chicken or BBQ chicken, a smokin’ hot girl jumped in line next to us. Obviously I thought I was Mr. Cool, and decided it was a perfect opportunity to sneak a peak. Bad move! Right then my girlfriend turned to get my opinion on what she should get. Of course she didn’t say anything at first, but her facial expression made it obvious that she was pissed.

In complete silence we walked and grabbed a table. In an attempt to get her to forget about my wandering eyes, I started talking about the clothes she had purchased; but she didn’t take the bait. Finally, she dropped the bomb; “SO! Do you think she’s cute?” “Oh not at all,” I quickly responded. She saw right through the bullshit and got ready to break out the boxing gloves! Clearly craving attention, she stood up and yelled “You are such a pig!” As I watched in slow motion, she cocked back with her drink in her hand. I tried to move out of the way but it was a direct hit, exploding on my chest. The entire food court fell silent and looked in our direction. I sat there for a second and watched my girlfriend storm off.

While cleaning up in the bathroom it hit me, ‘Shit! She drove us here!’ I ran out to the parking lot in time to see her driving away. I stood there for a bit and thought about what had happened, I remembered the girl in line and headed back in to try to get her number.

Thanks for the submission!

Well I’m not on the couch right now. I was last night but in no condition to write a post…

Here’s the background: Friday. At work we finished a huge project ahead of schedule so it was time to celebrate. The boss was so happy he invited us out to a night of crunk karaoke on him. From previous experiences with nights on the boss, I knew it was gonna be crazy.

I called up the girlfriend and invited her out with us. She declines, citing plans with her girls but blesses the night and wishes me a good time.

4 am, I get home and I know my girlfriend gets pissed for god knows why when I come home late. So my plan is to sneak into bed, assume spooning position, and wake up to a gorgeous smile. I’ve done it before; I can do it again… right?

Little did I know in the pitch dark room that she had left the clothes hamper out. In my drunken state I trip over the damn thing and get slapped in the face by the closet door.

“OH FUCK” I yell as I totally eat it. Fuck fuck fuck, I just awakened the bear from her slumber.

The lights turn on and my girlfriend’s eyes dart from me to the clock like a stinger.

“It’s 4! What are you doing?!”

Panicked, the first thing that pops into my mind: Need a moment? Chew it over with Twix

With my drunken logic I reply, “I’m heading to work early honey, BIIIIIGGGG PRESSENTATION!”

But that damn candy bar company lied and things didn’t turn out so smoothly. “It’s Saturday you idiot,” she screams as she chucks a pillow at me.

Ya… I got the message.

Who would have thought being “chubby” was such a bad thing?

We were out shopping today; well my girlfriend was doing the shopping I was just along for the ride. A friend’s wedding was coming up so she was trying to find a new dress. We all know how they love to get our opinion on these things even though they never really listen to it.

We had been to a few stores already and she had tried on dress after dress. She finally found one that she really liked but complained about it making her look fat. By this time I was completely zoned out reading the news on my blackberry and not really paying attention.

Here is the Play By Play Action:

Girlfriend: “This dress makes me look fat”
Me: “No it doesn’t”
Girlfriend: “It makes me look fat because I am FAT”
Me: “You aren’t fat and you look good in the dress”
Girlfriend: “If I’m not fat then what is this?!” ( Grabbing her hips )
Me: “You are just a little chubby don’t worry about it”

Right after I said it I immediately realized the trouble I was going to be in.

I look up to see her storming back into the dressing room. She quickly changed back into her clothes. I mean it was quick, like in the cartoons where a character walks in a room closes the door and reopens it wearing something completely different.

Without a word she storms out of the store, I looked around and noticed a customer who witnessed the whole thing. She shook her head and walked away. I decided it was time to leave.

I walked to my car knowing she would be there. Yup, called it, standing at the passenger door, arms crossed looking in the other direction. When I unlocked the car she climbed in but continued to look away. The whole car ride not a single word was said. I figured I’d try to let her calm down before I attempt an apology.

When we get home she quickly walks ahead of me and into the house. I walk in and hear the bedroom door slam shut. I head to the bedroom but find the door locked. I gave her a sweet and thoughtful apology that I had been working on while driving home. I hear the door unlock and think to myself “Sweet! That was easy!”. She quickly opens the door, throws me a pillow, slams and locks the door while she yells “You’re sleeping on the couch tonight!”.

So here I am on the couch, I can’t believe how a simple comment landed me here.

So here is my question.

Why do Women ask questions they already know the answer to?