Well I’m not on the couch right now. I was last night but in no condition to write a post…

Here’s the background: Friday. At work we finished a huge project ahead of schedule so it was time to celebrate. The boss was so happy he invited us out to a night of crunk karaoke on him. From previous experiences with nights on the boss, I knew it was gonna be crazy.

I called up the girlfriend and invited her out with us. She declines, citing plans with her girls but blesses the night and wishes me a good time.

4 am, I get home and I know my girlfriend gets pissed for god knows why when I come home late. So my plan is to sneak into bed, assume spooning position, and wake up to a gorgeous smile. I’ve done it before; I can do it again… right?

Little did I know in the pitch dark room that she had left the clothes hamper out. In my drunken state I trip over the damn thing and get slapped in the face by the closet door.

“OH FUCK” I yell as I totally eat it. Fuck fuck fuck, I just awakened the bear from her slumber.

The lights turn on and my girlfriend’s eyes dart from me to the clock like a stinger.

“It’s 4! What are you doing?!”

Panicked, the first thing that pops into my mind: Need a moment? Chew it over with Twix

With my drunken logic I reply, “I’m heading to work early honey, BIIIIIGGGG PRESSENTATION!”

But that damn candy bar company lied and things didn’t turn out so smoothly. “It’s Saturday you idiot,” she screams as she chucks a pillow at me.

Ya… I got the message.